June 17, 2019
Editor's Note: Going Out Swinging
At the end of this column, I will have completed my career as a writer for this community and an irritant to its ruling class. I imagine some of you will enjoy this piece, and to you, I raise a frosty glass of whole milk.
To those that don’t like it, well, thank you for reading, I really do appreciate it, but I don’t care what you think and I won't listen to your meaningless take on it. I’m out of the discussion business. Mos def out of the seeing-your-point-of-view business. Not even going to kick it around. We can talk about sandwiches if you’d like, but that’s about it. Sandwiches and hot chicks. Maybe hot chick sandwiches.
On Monday night, I announced via social media that the following column would be both a bridge- and barn-burner. What I didn’t say is that this time the bridges I’m burning are with 85% of my readership. Heh.
I owe a lot of people a substantial debt of gratitude for their support over the years, none of whom I’ll actually thank. But I want to give extra major super props to Kayla Wallace and Chase Cochran, because the three of us built this beast which has been so many different things along the way. I love y’all almost as much as POTUS loves thick, Russian murder cock, and that’s saying something.
Anyway, I’m exhausted from what seems like a lifetime of avoiding the topic of Donald Trump, whom, as a “Never Hillary” guy, I supported for POTUS. I soon discovered, courtesy of Kellyanne Conway, that I had not taken the ramifications of him winning as seriously as I should have. (I did manage to keep him out of TXC coverage, since you were getting plenty of Trump elsewhere.)
Watching Conway go full Airstrip One right out of the gate, creating a Bizarro World where the definition of every word is up for grabs and “I know you are but what am I?” is standard discourse, was like a gut punch—and that was only two days into Trump’s presidency. Her continuing crimes against rhetoric destroyed my love of both current events and debate, and I am checking out of the news business.
I retreat to private life a creatively satisfied and, hopefully, less-informed man.
The gloves are off. Enjoy.
Dan Patrick is a Colossal Twat
Believes Solution to Mass Murder is for More People to Join His Church
After a weekend of shoot-‘em-ups by a couple of homegrown terrorists, the Great State’s ill-coiffed Lt Governor told the public that the reason we have these problems is because too few people are forced to practice his religion, whining like a bitch to his pals at Fox and Friends that “tomorrow, we won’t let our kids even pray in our schools…”. As if his god cares about what building he’s prayed to in. I mean, he’s not going answer no matter what. Nothing fails like prayer.
For the record, there are zero prohibitions on students praying in schools. Plenty of prayers go up before every single exam and football game and after every missed menstrual cycle. When he says “we won’t let”, what he means is “we’re constitutionally barred from forcing students to submit to our religion—boo hoo hoo. I hate the Constitution.” Fuck him. Texans are dead and he’s using their murders as a threatening informercial for Republican Jesus. ‘Do what we say and maybe no one gets hurt.’ American fucking Taliban is what it is.
Perhaps you’ve participated in a post-shooting conversation that goes like this:
Donkey: “The president needs to watch what he says. Crazy people are listening.”
Elephant: “How dare you. Shooters are personally responsible.”
Thirty seconds later:
Elephant: “We wouldn’t have so many shootings if Americans prayed more.”
Donkey: “So you’re blaming America. You’re blaming me.”
Yes, they are. Everybody’s responsible except the people with actual influence.
May the gods damn Patrick and the Constitution-haters he runs with; charlatan Mike Huckabee comes to mind. These bastards get on TV and smirk at how naïve it is to think any laws regarding guns could possibly help with anything, which is one thing, but then they tell us, with a straight face, that the solution is to ask their invisible friend—who doesn’t even stop shootings in fucking churches—to help us out. Pick up your Bible, Dan. Your god doesn’t protect people, he kills them by the millions. Look what he did to his own son. Not cool, Jehovah.
Hey, since we’re talking El Paso, which is almost Mexico, I’m betting plenty of the victims there put in a request for supernatural assistance before being gunned down. You know how those Mexican immigrants are with their El Santo shrines and whatnot. They can’t get enough of that stuff.
Oh, wait. Wait wait wait. Mexicans are Catholic, and high-profile Republican Christianity thinks the devil founded the Catholic Church.
Sorry, Mexicans. But at least we figured out why God didn’t help you in particular. He’s always got a good reason.
Hey! That also explains why those Christ-killing Jews got it in Pittsburgh. And in San Diego. Not so much a tragedy, though, since according to high-profile Republican Christianity, the victims are all in Hell now anyway.
Patrick went on to blame video games, which actually makes sense because America is the only country in the world with video games. Come to think of it, we’re the only country in the world with mentally ill people. With that confluence of factors we’re naturally going to have ourselves a mass shooting more than once a day. That’s defined as four or more victims in a go, by the way. I have this to say to anybody that argues that four victims shot isn’t a mass shooting: Go. Fuck. Yourself. Moron.
Let’s talk about this “mental illness” excuse the Left and Right like to run up the flagpole.
1) Every time somebody suggests we collectively spend some money on treating mental illness, which, according to Republicans and Democrats alike, has become a gods damned public safety crisis at this point, there’s a fucking Republican right there to stop it. So let’s not pretend that they take that seriously.
2) These people aren’t murderers because they are mentally ill. Many of these killers have been radicalized by militias, just like young Muslims are by ISIS, and that can happen to anybody that isn’t careful. Think you’re immune from being recruited into a cult? Spend a day with the Scientologists. You’ll be saying “They actually make a lot of sense...” a few hours in.
These fuckers... these mother fuckers...
Jesus Christ on a stick—these cosplay assassins generally identify as Christian patriots right out of the package. They already pray to Jesus, and since even he doesn’t so much as tell them not to go on a killing spree, more prayers to the guy aren’t going to help. Maybe we should track these incel bitches on their fucking 8chan, round them up and send them to Hollywood to let Tom Cruise straighten them out. No. Not Tom Cruise. We need the other Scientology homo, that Barbarino dude from “Kotter”. If we put them in the same room with Tom Cruise they’ll just want to snuggle his jacket from “Top Gun”.
We need to start shaming the fuck out of these guys that never served in the armed forces but like to play soldier like a big boy. Add it to the definition of “stolen valor”.
If bitch didn’t serve, I don’t want to see his military-style ANYTHING. If bitch makes his truck all matte black like an army guy’s, he’s a tool, he’s disrespecting the military, and that’s unAmerican. If bitch wears combat camo instead of what animal hunters do, he’s a fucking Bolshevik. Same if bitch feels the need to carry a military-style rifle. It’s pretend-time for bitch. Only jock-sniffing bitches crave military-style gear, because they don’t have the fortitude to do the actual job. Bitch weak. Bitch small. Treat bitch accordingly.
Keep in mind that these pathetic cuntboys, with their hyper-“patriotism”, are preparing to kill American cops and American military personnel. Ask ‘em. They’ll tell you, and without hesitation. “You never know when the government’s going to take over.” Well, newsflash, bitches. The government already took over. It runs all the laws and everything right now. Go outside and look around.
Militias are looking to radicalize anybody they can get their hands on. We need to go after these war fetishists, even though they’re white and Republican Christian and think they own America. We are in a civil war. It’s on. And it’s not going to get better anytime soon, because a big ol’ chunk of the population has been preparing for this for a good long while and they’ve got the guy at the top of the food chain actively telling them what great patriots they are. They’re not going to let all those costumes and props go to waste. They’ve got illegals and cops and soldiers to kill. Patriots gotta #maga, after all.
You might remember that back in July of 2015 I got into fight at Taco Palenque with Town Bully. When I wrote about that throwdown, I specifically told the readers to steer clear of the guy. Don’t look at him, don’t talk to him, just keep moving. I did that for one reason: I didn’t want somebody to think that I would approve if they knocked the guy out.
I knew if I didn’t explicitly and emphatically state that Town Bully should be left alone, that one of 5,000 readers of a boutique alt-weekly could have very well decided to impress me with their face-punching skillz. I also knew that if somebody did clock him after reading my article, and if I hadn’t taken unequivocal steps to head that off, that I would be responsible at some level for whatever happened to that ass clown. I knew this because I’m an adult with a functioning brain and moral compass.
Our cocksucker of a president desperately wants those fucking Nazi votes so, so bad, he dances with those junior cocksuckers every chance he gets. Passionate, visceral, venomous condemnation for American football players and Democrats and people that used to work for him (#bestpeople), kid gloves and sotto voce for Klansmen and Nazis. No "Sons of bitches!" or "Low IQ!" or "They're anti-semites!" for the militant whites. Never a note of contempt. He knows patriots when he sees them, and he craves that sweet, David Duke support. Oh yeah, baby. You very fine.
Most people readily acknowledge that once words go into print or on television or whatever they carry impact. This is true of my words that are limited to an audience in a 20 mile radius of relevancy and a zillion percent more true for POTUS, which are issued non-stop from a place of high authority, incessantly sent around the world, and immediately treated as if he’s not responsible for their ramifications. The fact is that if you know somebody thinks you want them to do something, and you don't make it clear you don't want that, then part of it's on you, chico.
Them: "You like that car? I'll steal it for you."
Them: "Here's the car I stole for you."
You: "I didn't tell you to do that."
Don’t accept excuses. While the El Paso shooter is 100% legally responsible for the murders, don’t accept that he bears the entirety of the moral blame, and don’t accept any of what they’re trying to put on you for not praying. Meditate on Romans 14:13-23 if you require an example from antiquity in order to take an idea seriously (hint: it’s not about food). If you need more help making the connection, consider this photo linked to from the killer’s social media:
There’s a nexus here, mother fuckers.
"We’ve given the world’s weakest man the most possible power, and weak men everywhere are looking to him for marching orders." - Mike Reynolds
Note to GOP
If you’re not going to allow serious background checks on gun buyers, if you’re not going to honor the Second Amendment’s “well regulated” proviso, if you’re not going to track these fuckers down and intervene in their programming before they decide to exhibit a “mass display of liberty”, you should at least stop the president from encouraging them. While you’re at it, stop advertising your contempt for Americans with your asinine “thoughts and prayers” solutions—nothing could be more insulting.
But you won’t. Because you like it this way. Because the more people feel like you won’t protect them, the more guns they’ll buy. Hooray. It’s good for somebody, I guess.
Reagan Was Nobody’s Bitch
Make no mistake, we’re at war on two fronts and the GOP is pretty ok with it. We’re being attacked from within by dudes that want to prove how #maga they are, and we’re being attacked by Russia 24/7. Both with presidential approval.
Ronald Reagan wouldn’t suck KGB cock if his life depended on it. He would have taken to the podium in Helsinki
and let that evil Russian prick have it with both fists. There would have been no “Well, he says he didn’t do it” excuses offered to the world press. No disparagement of United States intelligence agencies.
Ronald Reagan would have stood there with his boot on Putin’s throat like the man and patriot he was, and called that mutha’ out in front of the world. Because Reagan had a standard-issue backbone. Lots of guys used to have one. Now they play army with their militia buddies instead.
It’s unfortunate that “Deep Throat” is already associated with government malfeasance, because it would be super appropriate with Trump and Putin and all. (For the record, Trump is the deep throat in this scenario. For Putin’s dick.)
Gratuitous Epilogue: Town Bully
After our fight, Town Bully immediately went into self-imposed house arrest because he was due in court three days and didn’t want to have to have to defend himself against a previous assault charge AND have to explain combat with me just 72 hours earlier; eventually fleeing Texas, like the pussy a bully is, under cover of darkness. Town Bully hasn’t been seen here since. That’s four years that guy hasn’t been terrorizing his neighbors, HOA, City Council, Chamber of Commerce, 4-B Board, Commissioners Court and DA’s office. Granted, he and I went after many of the same targets, but of the two of us, only Town Bully got himself banned from City Hall and the courthouse.
See? Next to the right people, I appear charming as fuck.
Here’s a partial roll call of the people that can thank me for doing what they always wanted to do to Town Bully, but had the good sense not to do it:
The New Braunfels Police Department
The Comal County Sheriff’s Office
Comal County Commissioners Court
Comal County Tax Office
Comal County District Attorney's Office
District Court Judges - All
New Braunfels Municipal Court
That fight was brought on specifically because of my work at the TX Citizen, and wasn't remotely worth the personal cost. Thanks to the Chamber of Commerce for the key to the city, though. It was a nice gesture.
Hail Satan, y'all.